What do you do when your partner sees and interacts with money differently from you? I’ve been in the middle of figuring this out for nearly two decades. I don’t have a perfect answer, but my wife and I have learned a lot that will make things so much easier.
It really boils down to how we see, think, and behave with money. Once you understand why you do what you do with money, it’s a lot easier to talk about money and build a system to work for both of you. I believe in supporting who you already are – not restricting yourself and becoming miserable in the name of financial goals.
Sauté and Sear or Crock Pot?
For me, setting up automated savings and investing works the best. It’s like putting a roast in the crock pot (Insta-Pot for younger folks). You can toss everything in, set it on low, and check in later.
Other people are much more hands-on. These are the sauté and sear folks. They like to see and feel money coming in and out of their life.
Once you understand how you naturally behave with money, it’s easier to develop a system that works for you. However, once you bring someone else into your money system, things can get tricky.
How My Wife and I Behave with Money
My wife is the saver in our relationship. She’s great at finding ways to save money and squirreling it away into savings accounts or envelopes for later. To her, money is meant to be saved.
On the other hand, I’m the spender. I see money and spend it. Then, I’ll figure out how to make more money and repeat. I’m great at figuring out how to make money, but I’m just as good at spending it! I (used to) have a hard time holding onto money once it’s in my hands. To me, money is meant to be spent.
Building the System for the Saver and the Spender
Once you understand how you and your partner interact with money, it’s much easier to design a system that’s right for you and your family. For me, a system that relies solely on my discipline and self-control doesn’t work so well. My wife is great at that, I’m not.
Automating to Combat Overspending
The answer for me is to automate all savings and investments (put it in the crockpot and let it simmer). We set it up so I can spend everything in the checking account, and we’ll be just fine. Reaching our goals takes no additional effort or action on my part. We rarely use credit cards, so that eliminates the possibility of me racking up credit card debt as I have in the past – before I had any system (or clue) around money.
I also don’t have access to my Amazon account – by choice. I purposely put my wife between me and the “Buy Now” button. I’ll email her something I want, and she’ll add it to the cart. Then, we’ll discuss it before she hits the buy button.
My Wife Feels Better Seeing the Money
When we fixed our system to eliminate the biggest threat (my spending habits), we created another problem. Seeing the money in the account makes my wife feel safe and secure in our finances. The bigger the number in the bank account, the better for her.
She likes to physically see and feel the cash (remember, sauté and sear). She pulls out cash for groceries so she can physically see how much we have left to spend. In other words, what makes her feel good about money creates a problem for me and vice versa.
How Can the Saver and Spender Work Together?
Our system for managing money has evolved over the years (we had our 19th wedding anniversary in June). A big part of that is saving money in a mix of high-yield savings accounts earmarked for specific purposes:
- Emergency
- Vehicle
- Transition (Out of the Army)
- Christmas
- Yearly Expenses
- [insert any other savings goal here]
Labeling these accounts and keeping them separate from our main checking account makes it much easier for me to leave them alone. This type of “mental accounting” can be really powerful. We have a line item in our budget for each of these with an automatic transfer from our main checking account.
This is a good compromise because it lets my wife see the money is there, but signals to me that it’s off-limits. We also keep these at a different bank than our everyday checking account.
How to Get Started Building Your Personal Finance System
The first step in building a system that works for you is identifying your dominant feelings and behaviors around money. If you understand your underlying beliefs around money, you can build a more effective system for financial success. I highly recommend the Klontz Money Script® Inventory-Revised (KMSI-R).
Quick Intro to Money Scripts
If you’ve never heard of the concept of a Money Script®, you’re not alone. I hadn’t either until a few years ago. It’s a way to understand your financial behaviors. It’s not a cop-out for bad financial decisions, but it helps you design a system that works with you and makes you feel good about making positive financial choices.
If you’re married or in a committed relationship, have them take the KMSI-R too. Then, discuss what that might mean to both of you. How do they feel about spending, saving, and investing money? How do your friends and relatives feel about money? Think about how each one influences your money decisions.
Start Small and Adjust Over Time
Don’t try to change everything all at once; it will only stress you out. Making small changes and experimenting around has worked best for us. We’ll make a change, see how it goes over the next month or two, and then adjust as needed.
Each year, we review our goals and progress on Money Day. That’s when we make the major changes. In the beginning, it felt like we were changing things all the time, but after a few years of dialing in our system, we’ve got things on autopilot.
So, tell me, what money management techniques work best for you and your spouse?